Brokenness

Crazy how much time has passed. It's been quite a while. I guess it wasn't the time for me to actually blog. Now, I strongly feel it in my heart this is something I need to do. Maybe not even for you or anyone else, but for myself. I'm not quite sure, been battling it myself. For anyone who knows me well enough knows writing is the best way to get my feelings out. I've always struggled verbally explaining or going into depth about anything especially when I'm nervous. But give me pen and paper and I'm set. The only downfall, I write like I speak, as many has told me this. So bare with me. Ha!

Life has been quite hectic lately. It seems it always is in some way or another I'm learning, especially with three littles. Although tonight, I found myself in a situation that I was in as a teen. Here I was searching.... Searching for God. The only difference is the spiritual growth from then and now. This whole time in Louisiana God has been dealing with me. Well really, since Sunday after Pastor Kevin's sermon. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I completely was not expecting any of this until I just felt the Hand of God on me and that tugging in my heart. He was hitting every area that I've been struggling with. I was tearing up throughout the whole sermon and at the end I went up to the front and just broke with a baby on my hip. (I wonder now how that looked to people who did not know me or my face.) But the weakness and trembling in my body was something I had not experienced in such a long time. Brokeness before the Lord.

I have felt so far away from God lately that I've felt completely alone. My desires to read or bask in His word had diminished. Although I knew He was there but not feeling His presence at all and just feeling desolate, I just lost all desire to spend time in His presence. The only thing I could do was put on worship music and still I felt so empty and alone. Now, I never stopped completely reading or praying with the girls. I tried my best, especially when Amelia would ask.

I'm sure personal struggles and such has a lot to go along with that but it's never an excuse to stop praising and basking in His presence.

Tonight, so much has been on my mind. Some simple things that I have just completely missed and felt great being apart of again, my life, the example I'm leading. Just so much, that I have not been able to sleep. I came into the room and began to go through books. Found my old Bible in the process and began taking out books, searching, searching, and searching...I realized. I was searching for God. I sat on the bed and just cried out...not knowing what to say all I know is my heart was hurting at the time. I've felt so numb to many emotions lately that I feel they all came out at once and then the words just began to come. I have not been able to pray such a prayer about my life struggles lately. I had no words, like I said I have been in such a dry, desolate state, that has completely sucked. In all honesty I put myself there, though.  But tonight it all came out. The tears flowed. I'm still hurting, hurting a lot with things I'm personally dealing with. But for me to just become in a state of brokeness Sunday and tonight is a BIG step in the right direction. I know I'm not done, but I felt like I did when I was first searching out for Christ when I was young.

I wish I could tell you I feel so relieved and 100% better and all my problems are solved but sadly they are not. But brokeness is in fact what I very much need right now, I think that's where I'm at on my spiritual journey. I know in fact this may last a little while. I'm not looking forward to it at all but brokenness is what's needed in order for Him to mold me, shape me, form me, into the person He has called me to be.

Father, have your way in me!