Depression began at a very young age for me but I did very well at covering it up, but when I was 13 life just took a turn around for me...completely. I was ripped out of my only comfort zone not able to tell any friends goodbye and a month or 2 later 3 days before my 14th birthday my only home I knew was put on fire by a family member. We didn't have much. We were a family of 3 at the time living in a run down one bedroom trailer.I was the first one that witnessed it of my mom and sister. Getting off the bus I was in utter disbelief, I immediately dropped everything and ran. In complete shock called my mom in tears telling her all we had was in smoke... little did I know life was going to be very different for me from that point on... Everything that I had once bottle up, started unraveling and coming out. I didn't know how to handle it. I really didn't.
Lost, confused, hurt, angry, that's when I started becoming the problem child so to speak. I said some hurtful things acted out in pure anger and frustration toward my mom and everyone else that I crossed paths with. I did not know what was going on with me, I hated myself, hated life and all I wanted was out... The depression had taken so much control over my life that I literally could not sleep. It had gone on for about 3 months, I was like a walking zombie, literally. The muscles in my eye lids were just so physically tired I could no longer keep them open. I remember just crying because all I wanted was sleep. I was completely miserable. I really don't know how I got through school those few months, all I remember is having my head on the desk praying/hoping I'd fall asleep... I'm not sure what happened but eventually I was able to get sleep once again. It was quite strange how it all turned around so quickly really...
I wish I could say that was the end of the depression but it was not. I made a vow to myself when I was younger, I would not let my weight fall on my children's shoulders. Kids needs to be kids. I say this because I took on so much as a child. I was stressing over things only adults should be worried about not children. I remember being scared to ask my mother to get me something I needed because I didn't want to put more pressure on her. We definitely struggled. The fire was something completely hard for me to just "get over." We were put out of our home for 3 months and then made a new home. Bigger and much better and I just remember being thankful that there was a door for the bathroom and then I had my own room... I was so thankful. But see being a teenager you can get so blinded. You're thankful for all the things/people around you but depression it steals your joy. It can do so much damage to you that goes deeper than anyone can understand unless they dealt with it themselves. There are so many ways that people deal with it and so many ways that I dealt with it; but there is only one way to deal with it and that is SAFELY. I hid behind a mask and became so blinded with everything I was bound in that I saw no way out. I tried ending it more times than you can count on my finger and toes. I'm lucky...NO! I'm beyond blessed and grateful to be alive. I really believe I should not be here and there is only one reason why. God had His hand over my life.
You see I've been wanting to write this for some time but I did not know how. I did not want to go into detail about everything because I just get a gut wrenching feeling and feel sick honestly when I think about the things I used to do. The pain and hurt I caused, I don't wish on anyone. Details are for the right moment and time and right now I don"t believe is.
So many think medicine can cure depression, it can't. I was sent to a psychiatrist and prescribed them. They made me even more angrier and upset. The meds were making me gain weight and not helping at all. I hated them. I believe they are only a band aid covering it up and not getting to the root of the problem. You have to get to the root.
Depression is a real thing and it can suck your life away. If you know ones who are depressed, dealing with it in the wrong ways, don't ignore them. Please, don't. Let them know people care. Be a listening ear, hear them out. Sometimes that's all people want, just to be heard. Never ignore anyone asking for help, always be that person. You never know what can happen if you turn your cheek and walk away. I believe that only the revelation of God's love and grace can truly bring freedom to anyone struggling with anything, but you being that light always, always helps.
Just felt like I needed to write this. I know so many are hurting and asking for help in ways that they only know how. I'll be a listening ear to anyone who needs it. You can to. Be that person...
I wish I could say that was the end of the depression but it was not. I made a vow to myself when I was younger, I would not let my weight fall on my children's shoulders. Kids needs to be kids. I say this because I took on so much as a child. I was stressing over things only adults should be worried about not children. I remember being scared to ask my mother to get me something I needed because I didn't want to put more pressure on her. We definitely struggled. The fire was something completely hard for me to just "get over." We were put out of our home for 3 months and then made a new home. Bigger and much better and I just remember being thankful that there was a door for the bathroom and then I had my own room... I was so thankful. But see being a teenager you can get so blinded. You're thankful for all the things/people around you but depression it steals your joy. It can do so much damage to you that goes deeper than anyone can understand unless they dealt with it themselves. There are so many ways that people deal with it and so many ways that I dealt with it; but there is only one way to deal with it and that is SAFELY. I hid behind a mask and became so blinded with everything I was bound in that I saw no way out. I tried ending it more times than you can count on my finger and toes. I'm lucky...NO! I'm beyond blessed and grateful to be alive. I really believe I should not be here and there is only one reason why. God had His hand over my life.
You see I've been wanting to write this for some time but I did not know how. I did not want to go into detail about everything because I just get a gut wrenching feeling and feel sick honestly when I think about the things I used to do. The pain and hurt I caused, I don't wish on anyone. Details are for the right moment and time and right now I don"t believe is.
So many think medicine can cure depression, it can't. I was sent to a psychiatrist and prescribed them. They made me even more angrier and upset. The meds were making me gain weight and not helping at all. I hated them. I believe they are only a band aid covering it up and not getting to the root of the problem. You have to get to the root.
Depression is a real thing and it can suck your life away. If you know ones who are depressed, dealing with it in the wrong ways, don't ignore them. Please, don't. Let them know people care. Be a listening ear, hear them out. Sometimes that's all people want, just to be heard. Never ignore anyone asking for help, always be that person. You never know what can happen if you turn your cheek and walk away. I believe that only the revelation of God's love and grace can truly bring freedom to anyone struggling with anything, but you being that light always, always helps.
Just felt like I needed to write this. I know so many are hurting and asking for help in ways that they only know how. I'll be a listening ear to anyone who needs it. You can to. Be that person...
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