I'm a little upset because of what was written first is now accidentally deleted. But it's nowhere to be found so I hope this is as good if not better than my other entry...
God really has been doing a work in my life. Who would have guessed this would be me 4 years ago, with the addiction I was fighting everyday. My life was literally a daily struggle and I was tired of just surviving...It's a miracle that I'm alive today and have the life I have! It's all God! He knew the people I needed in my life. I don't think they knew what encouragement they were or if I even listened to them. Every encouraging word and loving act really was taken to heart. They just couldn't fully wrap their head around the fact that the addiction would just not "end". They really didn't understand that I was fighting for my life...although I tried ending it multiple times. They didn't understand I was tired of just survivng and struggling everyday of my life...It was waring on me and making me literally sick many of times... I was tired and if this is what my life would consist of I wanted no part of it... But I wanted to live...I didn't want to be another statistic... Contradictory, right?!? I know, I don't expect anyone to understand if they never had to deal with an addiction. It's hard to even fathom a lot of what I'm saying sure...especially if you never knew me. I tried "quitting" cold upfront many of times on my own...it's nearly impossible...Matter of fact IMPOSSIBLE!!! Without relapsing of course! Which I did! The thing that pushed me away was CHRISTIANS!!! Go figure, we Christians really mess up when we get into religious ways! That's why I absolutely HATE religion. I know what it does! I always had a heart to serve and I truely loved Christ with everything in me. Even though I never understood alot I knew in my heart that I absolutely loved God. I could always feel God tugging on my heart, but hypocricy pushed me away. People telling me to fall down and repent, without acknowledging the wrong they were doing, but so quick to point fingers. Also I was/am a lot smarter than people take me to be. Sometimes I just play dumb and follow along to avoid arguments or me having to have an explanation. ( verbally, I struggle with having to explain myself but not on paper.) With this being said, I was exorcised on. I was "demon possessed"; though people thought. I fell into these lies telling me, "there's more to it. Something else happened." I was being brainwashed (at that point I didn't really understand 'brainwashing was what was happening') but I put that on myself I feel like a lot of times just because I didn't speak up and ask these church leaders... See I knew darkness and light simply can't abide together. Even though I had dark moments in my life does not mean I was "demon possessed" I simply had struggles and needed to get the right revelation... Now I hold no grudges against these people at all but I do pray these things are revealed to them if they haven't already... My struggles had a lot to do with what went on and what was happening in my life...why I fell into so much. I could never get a break it seemed without something else happening. I was so young and didn't know how to escape the pain... but watching the blood flow freely was my only way. (You have no idea how hard or how long it took for me to even write that) sometimes I just want to forget that this was even me; but It's the complete truth. It was an ongoing cycle that I couldn't break. I was alone, rejected, abandonded, and the only place I thought I could get away from things; bullied at school. (Many may not believe that I was bullied but so much was said to me or joked about me that I simply never said much about, I didn't want to make a bigger deal than what it was). Do I want you to feel pity for me absolutely NOT! Because I'm FREE and have peace beyond any peace I've ever known... You might ask why is this even written. One of two reasons...the first for me, I personally felt like I had to do it. You know the tugging on your heart and it won't stop until you actually do it...well God's been tugging on my heart for a while and it's just been getting more intense...and the second don't be a Christian to get mixed in with religiosity! That's the main reason people stay away because of all the hypocrits! Be like Jesus, give a loving hand to someone in need and not condemnation. People just want to be listened to and loved. God will do the rest! You might think I am done; but No! Not yet! You haven't even really begun to understand my story. I had a pretty horrible addiction to cutting, even turned to burning, and carved words onto my body...Sounds crazy, right!?! Ha(sarcasm) I was the definition of crazy and absolutely hated myself for it! No matter how hard I tried it'd get worse and worse! Taking pills even at some points not even knowing what I took. That's why I said God was protecting me tremendously. I wanted to die, sincerly prayed for death. And other times I was completely frightened of what was to come after some stupid decisions...afraid that I may actually not make it...especially when I went TOO far into my skin, when I had a sharper, thinner blade. I was scared to death. Didn't know what was to come...that's where I agreed to "exorcising sessions". Gosh there have been some twists and turns... Sadly that was not the last time I inflicted pain on myself...May 20th 2008 is that day! WAIT!? What!? I thought you said it's impossible to cold upfront?! And it is! Although that's the last day I succeeded in cutting doesn't erase the fact I never tried inflicting pain on myself again...I have! But never completely finished. I knew I didn't want to live that life again so I started doing other things, which I'm not proud of and clearly could have turned into an addiction. One move that saved me was attending a Bible College. That is the place that I learned so much truth. One of the first things that were said which would also be the toughest thing to do is erase everything you think you already know. It's like a baby being born for the first time and having to relearn or actually learn the complete truth for the first time. How do you know it's complete truth, because the teacher did some talking but as a guide. The Holy Spirit did the rest by opening our eyes to what the Word says. Not taking the verses out of context to fit our daily life but taking it for what it actually means and who it's referring to. I never understood the Bible because I never took it for what it actually said but when I finally started reading and understanding. Things started making since to me; I was actually understanding God's word for the first time. I was understanding the Father's unconditional love and that His grace actually is AMAZING!!! I also understood what was done on the cross was for past, present, and future! All those sins I committed were died for even before I was in my mother's womb. I'm forgiven now and forever! Not understanding that is putting Christ on the Cross again but that's not right! It Is FINISHED!!! Getting these revelations...is what brought my freedom!!! Technically I was already free but it's when you not only understand in your mind but also in your heart is what brings the freedom alive! Wow God is good! I don't just say that when things are in my favor either. I say that because no matter what God is good! Although I may not see the end outcome until it actually happens He knows what's best for us. He protects His children! And clearly I am His child and He is my Father...
Because of this freedom I am able to live a life I never expected to. I have a man that loves me unconditionally a love that I have never known before other than from my Heavenly Father. I can't explain it! It feels amazing. I have such a beautiful family, something I never pictured before but they are the love of my life. I just pray that God continues to mold me into the wife/mother that they so much deserve! Yes!!! God is good all the time!
Verses will follow at a later time...
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