Most Vulnerable

Things have been quite hard for me over the past few months, both emotionally and physically, that I've been in this rut, that I let completely take over my life and my joy. I was no longer happy, but stressed and tired, again both physically and emotionally. Many that I know may say that I had right to those feelings. I get it, I totally do. BUT in all honesty I chose these things to resonate inside of me and to bother me. The more I thought about these things the angrier or sadder I'd become. For me it's very challenging to just let things go. It always has been. I try my best but I hold onto alot, both good and bad. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I can remember such details over something so insignificant. I can't help it, it's just me. With that being said, I was incredibly hurt by some untruths that was said and I let that eat at me. I can make this thing get a lot bigger, which at the time I did, but until recently I decided to kind of let it go. It's hard to explain it.

You know that saying, "it takes more muscles to frown than to smile." Well it's true. It's so stressful to stay stressed. It takes too much energy than it does to just "breathe" and let things go. I'm trying to constantly remind myself of this. 

I have let myself become so weak. I had nothing else to give, I felt. Again, I did this. I let situations determine my mood. I let my emotions get the best of me. I stopped picking up my Bible. Again, I can make many excuses, all being legit excuses but non excusable. You make time. You simply make time and I didn't. I know God's grace so well  that I should have been running into His arms but in all craziness I put Him on the backburner of my life. Why? Because I didn't want to make the effort. I was so tired, so weak, I just didn't have the energy. Oh, but when He touched me at church, I became so broken, weeping before Him, trembling. I know I'm not speaking any foreign language to anyone who has been saved. I had wished that I had gone into my quiet place instead of putting Him on the back burner after all this had taken place. I was so broken, I was hurting, hurting on the inside. I don't want to feel that again. The only way I can explain it is a "heavenly spanking". If that even makes sense. It was an overwhelming of God's love, a complete overwhelming that I had not felt in such a long time that it was so overpowering and yet I hurt. I don't know how else to explain it. It's spiritual. 

I'm not sure if I'm just babbling on and on but my point I'm trying to get across is. I had become so weak, instead of taking control of the negativity, I let it take control of my life and my feelings. I let it steal my joy. It is in our weakness we become most vulnerable. And that's exactly what happened. I had become so vulnerable. Here I was letting the enemy just take control. It was as if I just handed power over to him, to steal my joy, to make life unbearably hard, to keep my eyes off of the good and on the negative things. I just handed power to him.

How easy it is for us to get wrapped up in our own little worlds and easily hand power to the enemy, unknowingly. 

I'm incredibly thankful for the way God just touched me, it opened my eyes in many ways, and I'm incredibly thankful for the people God paved into my life to impart wisdom. If those talks had not happened, I'd probably still be wallowing around feeling sorry for myself. But here I am, I'm giving my all to God. It is Christ in me. I am weak, He is strong. Here I had taken my eyes off Christ and I had become weak.  I was so focused on myself, but I am nothing absolutely nothing without Christ. He gives me the strength. It is He that is in me that moves, works, and has His way in me. (Acts 17:28)

I tend to forget as I'm sure many do, that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood. (Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.) I don't know how many times this was told to me in the past few months until I finally grasped it. Again this was after God just grabbed a hold of me in church. I was able to breathe. Although I know I'll still have to work on this, I can breathe a lot better than what I could. I was suffocating myself in everything, but here I choose to not let the enemy steal my joy. I choose to smile and will continue to remind myself to choose happiness despite circumstances. We need to continue to build up ourselves spiritually. When we become comfortable things can get dangerous real quick, when we put God on the back burner things can become dangerous real quick. Remember at our weakest moments we become the most vulnerable. We should never allow ourselves to ever get at that point, we need to remember to always no matter how tired we are to keep our eyes on Christ. I am REALLY speaking to myself here. I should never let circumstances get in the way of my relationship with Christ and here I did. If I stay prayed up, worded up, nothing can stand in my way. Constantly, constantly put on the armor of God. That is all that is on my mind right now as I'm writing this.

The armor of God is the only thing that will protect us each day as we are out there in the world. Nothing can stand in the way between me and God. Nothing can stand in the way between you and God when you take up the full armor. Right there is all that you and I need.  (Ephesians 6:12-17)

I'm in a battle as I know we all are of some sort, but I choose to trust God and put the armor on each day as I wake up. I have to, I need to, we all do. Remember this war is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and darkness... In the end, we win. Let's not get discouraged, let's not take our eyes off the prize, God's got us! We are HIS!!!

God has been ministering to me a lot through worship songs lately. This is one of them. Enjoy!  https://youtu.be/n_aVFVveJNs

Brokenness

Crazy how much time has passed. It's been quite a while. I guess it wasn't the time for me to actually blog. Now, I strongly feel it in my heart this is something I need to do. Maybe not even for you or anyone else, but for myself. I'm not quite sure, been battling it myself. For anyone who knows me well enough knows writing is the best way to get my feelings out. I've always struggled verbally explaining or going into depth about anything especially when I'm nervous. But give me pen and paper and I'm set. The only downfall, I write like I speak, as many has told me this. So bare with me. Ha!

Life has been quite hectic lately. It seems it always is in some way or another I'm learning, especially with three littles. Although tonight, I found myself in a situation that I was in as a teen. Here I was searching.... Searching for God. The only difference is the spiritual growth from then and now. This whole time in Louisiana God has been dealing with me. Well really, since Sunday after Pastor Kevin's sermon. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I completely was not expecting any of this until I just felt the Hand of God on me and that tugging in my heart. He was hitting every area that I've been struggling with. I was tearing up throughout the whole sermon and at the end I went up to the front and just broke with a baby on my hip. (I wonder now how that looked to people who did not know me or my face.) But the weakness and trembling in my body was something I had not experienced in such a long time. Brokeness before the Lord.

I have felt so far away from God lately that I've felt completely alone. My desires to read or bask in His word had diminished. Although I knew He was there but not feeling His presence at all and just feeling desolate, I just lost all desire to spend time in His presence. The only thing I could do was put on worship music and still I felt so empty and alone. Now, I never stopped completely reading or praying with the girls. I tried my best, especially when Amelia would ask.

I'm sure personal struggles and such has a lot to go along with that but it's never an excuse to stop praising and basking in His presence.

Tonight, so much has been on my mind. Some simple things that I have just completely missed and felt great being apart of again, my life, the example I'm leading. Just so much, that I have not been able to sleep. I came into the room and began to go through books. Found my old Bible in the process and began taking out books, searching, searching, and searching...I realized. I was searching for God. I sat on the bed and just cried out...not knowing what to say all I know is my heart was hurting at the time. I've felt so numb to many emotions lately that I feel they all came out at once and then the words just began to come. I have not been able to pray such a prayer about my life struggles lately. I had no words, like I said I have been in such a dry, desolate state, that has completely sucked. In all honesty I put myself there, though.  But tonight it all came out. The tears flowed. I'm still hurting, hurting a lot with things I'm personally dealing with. But for me to just become in a state of brokeness Sunday and tonight is a BIG step in the right direction. I know I'm not done, but I felt like I did when I was first searching out for Christ when I was young.

I wish I could tell you I feel so relieved and 100% better and all my problems are solved but sadly they are not. But brokeness is in fact what I very much need right now, I think that's where I'm at on my spiritual journey. I know in fact this may last a little while. I'm not looking forward to it at all but brokenness is what's needed in order for Him to mold me, shape me, form me, into the person He has called me to be.

Father, have your way in me!