It's really hitting me hard.

As I sit in my room reflecting on my long week and weekend I just can't get over how much time is flying by. I'm finally 17 and come August 29th I'll be turning 18. This isn't a really big deal to me, what's so big is I'm not even 18 and come July 29th I'll be leaving for New York. This coming Sunday will be the 29th and that'll make exactly a month before I leave. I'm so excited, yet so scared all at the same time. I'm starting to understand "seasons" now. I was here at Eagle Heights Community Church for a season. Me, switching here had to take place in order for me to come to a spot and say, "I can't do this on my own. I need help." Basically going to complete strangers, people who are now my youth pastors that I love so greatly. I've met so many wonderful people who has greatly impacted my life and has helped and encouraged me, where now I'm finally becoming free of all the things that has kept me bound ever since I was born. This weekend and the beginning of this week has been by far one of the most interesting I'd say. So much went on, yet I'm finding peace from my God. Putting all that aside though. This weekend I got to spend time with my mentors and their children. Coby, 7 and Keegan, 3. They are my life basically. I love them so much. I have always looked to them as little brothers but I felt more like family to my mentors over the pass week and a half because I've been at there everyday over the past week and have spent the night so much for example I've been at there house since Friday night and just getting home tonight. I felt like me and kids grew a deeper bond. I watched them and was with them for so long. I play fought with them, played cars with them, played the PS with them, just joking around and having fun with them. It hit me so hard tonight when I was leaving to go home. Coby was asking if I was coming over tomorrow and I had to explain to them I had church camp. I hugged and kissed them buy although I had a hard time with the youngest which hit me so hard. Keegan didn't want to say goodbye. He thought if he didn't hug or kiss me I'd stay. His mom had to explain that either way I had to go home. He eventually gave me a hug and put his head down and started pouting once again. I asked Rusty and April if he would probably do that when I leave to go to New York. They said that he probably would. I'd hate that. Hugging my mentors by the each hugged me for a little while. April, she said, "it's going to feel so weird without you here tonight." earlier today. And it does. I felt like I kinda moved in with them. It felt so weird telling them by. As I was headed home I just pondered on the thought of me leaving. I'd hate to leave Keegan like that again, but it's apart of life. I have to follow God's will for my life. It's hitting me so hard now though. I'm going to miss these kids so much. I'm going to miss Rusty and April so much. Rusty is my dad and April my second mom. These are what these people are considered as to me. It's not only going to hurt when I tell my blood family by but also people who has basically adopted me into there family. Rusty and April and so forth. Telling my youth group by as well. It's hard I'm only experiencing some of the pain now and I'm still here. I know when I get to that airport I'm going to be balling like a baby. It hurts but I know God has calling on my life and I won't hold back. I knew this was apart of life when I was younger I guess I just wasn't expecting to be the one leaving I was expexcting someone else to leave. I don't know. It's confusing. But this is a desire of my heart I feel God so strongly calling me to New York, that I'm following him. No matter what! I'm following him, no matter how bad it hurts to leave my loved ones behind here in Louisiana, I'm following Him all the days of my life.

Peace from my Lord Jesus Christ.

Sitting in the corner shedding dry tears and watching the drops of blood flow. Praying for something fatal to happen. Hoping, wishing, wanting for life to end. Living under the blade for security and comfort; searching in all the wrong places...

Nearly killing myself with one slitting of the wrist. My eyes were awakened. Did I really want to live this life? Risking my life just about everyday with this. I chose I wanted that life, no longer. I agreed to help.

A year ago with just that one decision. That one decision of picking up the blade, little did I know it'd become a lifestyle, an addiction.

I'm finally becoming free of this. I'm having to learn to face my emotional pain and hide behind the blade no longer.

There are times I just want to run back to the blade but I look at how far I've come in the past month. I look at what my God is performing in my life and ask myself, "Do I want that old depressing life" or "Do I want this joyous life I'm finally receiving?"

My answer, "I want this new upbeat life, where I'm actually enjoying life and not hating every moment of it."

I can honestly say I'm finally truly happy.

I struggle, just like any other person. I cry, I hurt...

But I'm now learning how to face these pains without producing more pain in my life.

And I find peace beyond everything else from my Lord Jesus Christ!

Declaration

My future is here.
The journey is about to begin...
as I step out in faith and follow God's will for my life.

I will no longer please you or anyone else.
I'm here to please God and God alone.
I will not live up to anyone's dreams no longer.
God has given me the desires of my heart for a reason.
I will not let go.
I will hold fast and follow.
I want to be like my Jesus and He alone.
My past is what makes me who I am today.
I will no longer let it hinder my walk.
I am saved by Grace.
Jesus is Lord and Savior of my life.
I will follow Him all the days of my life.